By The BabylonBee.com (Satire)
"It's just not fair. I work hard to maintain my property, only to have real estate values plummet when this riff-raff moves into the neighborhood," said Carla Biggens, the owner of a middle-income apartment building that offers units at the reasonable price of just $15,000 per month. "I always see suspicious people coming and going from that place. It puts us all on edge. Lord knows what kind of shady things are happening there! Yuck!"
Local authorities confirmed hard drugs were recently found on the premises, but warned they would likely never find the perpetrator because the owner of the crack house pays their salaries. "It's too much to expect corrupt feds like us to do anything about this shady crack house," said a spokesperson for the FBI. "This neighborhood has been going downhill for a long time anyway. There's nothing we can do."
Residents are being encouraged to take their concerns to the next city council meeting where they will be ignored.
At publishing time, DC home values had already plummeted to an average of only 12 million dollars.
RELATED ARTICLES
“It’s About a Biden Cover-Up!” – Judge Jeanine Pirro Goes Off Over White House Cocaine Scandal
By Cristina Laila | Gateway Pundit
Judge Jeanine Pirro on Thursday went off over the Biden White House scandal and cover-up.
The Secret Service concluded its investigation into the cocaine scandal that rocked the White House earlier this month.
Surprise, surprise! No suspect was identified.
According to CNN, the cocaine was “found in a blind spot for surveillance cameras.”
No fingerprints, DNA samples, or leads!
Earlier this month a baggy of cocaine was discovered in the West Wing after Hunter Biden visited the White House.
At first, it was reported that the cocaine was found in the Library.
Then it was reported the cocaine was stashed in a “cubby” in a storage facility in the West Wing.
No one is buying this.
Rep. Burchett accused the Biden White House of a cover-up.
Judge Jeanine blasted the Biden Regime and the Secret Service cover-up.
“I think it convinces all of America that we don’t have justice anymore. It’s about a Biden cover-up!” Judge Jeanine Pirro said.
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Andrew Weissmann, Mueller's Top Guy, Decimates Story on White House Cocaine With Hilarious Comment
By Nick Arama | Red State.com
Andrew Weissmann on "The 11th Hour" with Stephanie Ruhle, talking about WH cocaine. (Credit: Kevin Tober/Twitter)
It seems more than a little odd that the Secret Service would just bail on further investigation of who left the cocaine in the West Wing of the White House after about ten days. The White House itself is trying to blame it on a random visitor or people who came to work on the building. Here you have what is supposed to be one of the most secure buildings in the world and they can’t tell us who brought in a baggie of cocaine into such a secure location? No wonder no one is buying it.
Former Secret Service agent Dan Bongino was the first to call out the effort to blame it on a visitor, saying there was “zero chance” of that being the case. Then, during the Family Leadership Summit, former U.N Ambassador and South Carolina governor Nikki Haley echoed that sentiment, explaining that where the cocaine was found was a very secure area that could only be accessed by a limited number of people and she detailed those people.
People don’t just go in and out of there.
It’s either the President, the Vice President, Cabinet…members, or Deputy Directors. There is some staff. But I couldn’t take any staff but my deputy…Very limited.
She said she believed it was a cover-up for Hunter Biden or someone very close to Joe Biden. She said she was concerned this might mean someone involved in making national security was using cocaine.
Fox’s Jesse Watters raised the greater problem about this Secret Service failure, “What if this was ricin?” he asked. “This means the Secret Service wouldn’t be able to tell who brought ricin into the White House.” That’s simply not an acceptable thing. Watters also pointed out that the person in charge of the Secret Service now since September of last year is Kimberly Cheatle, who had been on Biden’s security detail when he was vice president.
Those three people you might anticipate would question what was being pitched here. But when Andrew Weissmann, Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s top guy, would not get on board with what is being pitched, you know how bad it is.
Weissmann told host Stephanie Ruhle on MSNBC’s “The 11th Hour” that “this is really just not a sufficient investigation.”
Weissmann delivered a great line that was right on the money. “To me, the Secret Service here looks like they can’t find a dead cow in a closet,” he declared. He noted that he wasn’t saying that Joe or Hunter Biden were behind the bag. However, he then made some great points, saying that there was a lot more that the Secret Service could have done than just say there were no fingerprints or DNA on the evidence, and that they couldn’t see anyone on video leaving it there, “which seems highly unlikely.”
“How about interviewing people?” Weissmann said.
“Why wouldn’t they?” Ruhle responded.
“Exactly,” Weissmann replied.
“What’s even more, and frankly, I would say suspicious, because it’s such bad law enforcement, you interview people. But you know what you don’t do before you interview people? Publicly say that there’s no DNA evidence and no fingerprints. Like why would you let the whole world know that if you’re then going to interview people? Better for people to think you might have that.”
“To me, this is really one where—just do more. I mean you are handing the Republicans an issue and legitimately,” Weissmann declared.
That’s a pretty stunning comment coming from him, but it just shows how lacking in credibility the Secret Service and White House response has been. Why aren’t they doing any of those things he lays out? Why did they give up so fast? The only conclusion one can truly draw is they have some reason for sweeping this all under the rug.
